How can I get over a break up?
25th December, 2017.
“I cannot handle relationships anymore, I am done with it.”
My phone flashed as I woke up weirdly orientated in my bed. I read the message and ran my eyes towards the top of my phone to grasp the time. It was a few minutes past noon. I pulled the blanket right up to my face. And I kept calling her, she didn’t pick up.
I kept messaging her but the only replies I got were, “Move On” & “I am not coming back ever.”.
I threw away the blanket after an hour or so feeling restless and null; I messaged my friend and brother out of fear. And I was walking around my room in utter disbelief. My mind was as useless as those leaders hiding behind wooden podiums in election rallies. It was playing a song in the background, a song I had been hearing from a long time. Suddenly, the lyrics made so much sense to me.
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Well, little one, I don’t want to admit to something
If all it’s gonna cause is pain
Truth and my lies right now are falling like the rain
So let the river run
I decided to sleep over it, and jumped back on my bed. My body felt like zinc batteries people throw away after it is sucked out of energy. I kept telling myself it was just a temporary roadblock. I cried myself to sleep that noon staring at the phone hoping she would tell me that she still loves me.
‘Cause she loves danger, psychopath
And you don’t fuck with no man’s girl, even I know that
But she’s devised some plan to stab him in the back
Knife in hand, says their relationship’s hangin’ by a strand
By night,
I had lost control of myself completely and I was messaging her every minute hoping she would reply back. She did not. My brother messaged me back but I did not disclose anything. By midnight, a friend of mine sent me screenshots of his Facebook feed. She was celebrating Christmas hugging her best friend. Below, people had commented, “What a cute and lovely couple” and “Finally, you two got together.”.
An hour later she messaged me, “I am done, stop troubling me. I do not think there is any space for a male in my life. I want to focus on my happiness only.”.
I’ve been a liar, been a thief
Been a lover, been a cheat
All my sins need holy water, feel it washing over me
My world sunk in spaces around me. She was lying to me and cheating on me. Nobody moves on within a few hours surely and here I was crying silently sitting on my sofa staring at those pictures. I wanted to die without her, she meant the life to me.
Being the nice guy that still loved her, I replied, “I do not know what I will do without you. I will die, I swear.”.
“I have nothing to do with you, do whatever you want. Just do not involve me, please, in anything.” My phone vibrated a few seconds later as my tears vanished.
It’s hard to find the words, I’m aloof, nervous, and Sue
Don’t want this to hurt, but what you deserve is the truth
Don’t take it personal, I just can’t say this in person to you
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I did not cry after that. I sat and stared at those screenshots, remembered everything she had promised me over the period of two years, talked my heart out to my parents. Next day, I woke up feeling a bit better. I knew it would take time. I was not stone enough to just give up on a relation I had nurtured over a long period. A bit of pain and restlessness was here to stay.
I called up my brother and told him I wanted to talk to him. We sat over a beer and some food that evening and I took out all my frustration. We laughed and laughed at the way I had been from the past two days. I felt much much better.
“I am seeing someone, I guess you know who it is. And I have moved on. Best of luck with whatever you do in life.” The message was followed by a picture of her with her best friend.
The best friend she cheated on for me, a guy who had proposed her in front of her friends, talked to her parents, made her meet all of my friends and family, and someone who had always gone that extra mile for her. I deleted all her messages and the picture, ordered one more beer, cried a bit again but that night, I slept peacefully.
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From the next day onward, I constantly stared at the screenshots my friend had sent whenever I felt low to remind myself she was not worth it. I travelled on my bike for almost a week to different cities, wrote a lot of articles and even completed my pending novel.
Fuck can I say? If life was a highway
And deceit was an enclave, I’d be swerving in five lanes
Speeds at a high rate, like I’m slidin’ on ice, maybe
That’s why I may have came at you sideways
I can’t keep my lies straight
In the coming two months, I took a small break from work and travelled and met new people. I lived a very minimalist life, expenses were mainly fuel or beer. I travelled across Mumbai, Pune, Chennai, Mangalore, Mysore, Odisha, Delhi, Allahabad, Kanyakumari, Kochi, and Madikeri. And I met everyone whom I had to meet from a long time. My course-mates, friends from Quora, best friends and online acquaintances across India.
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Yes, it did hurt and from time to time I cried silently at railway stations and highways. I used to remind myself that she cheated and she was not worth it. She did not even have the courtesy to meet me and explain things. I was the better person here, I was always loyal and in love.
Today, sometimes I do regret and wish things were different but they are not. Whenever I see her in posts of mutual friends, I do not feel bad. I do not blame love, I do not blame her also, fact is, I do not blame anyone.
Why do I do this dirt that I do?
Get on my soapbox and preach, my sermon and speech
Detergent and bleach is burnin’ the wound
You can probably never get over someone completely,
that would be just theoretical. If you really want to get over someone beautiful, go out and look at even more beautiful things out there in the world. I can assure you, not everyone out there wants to hurt or cheat on you. There are still a lot of good people out there who would love to hear you cry your heart out.
Most importantly, be the bigger person, forgive the person who hurt you. Forgive them for their betrayals and decisions, be someone who is spectacularly awesome by himself even if you shed a tear from time to time.
The truth and my lies now are falling like the rain
So let the river run
We always know what to do but we seldom do it.
————
Source: Alcatraz Dey
